i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize