Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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