Sober January is a disaster.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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