My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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