I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize