Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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