His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
