I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
