your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
