you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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