Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
