we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
