I wish my penis had an off switch
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize