Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
