"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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