She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
