i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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