the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
