Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
