it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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