Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
