so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
