Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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