When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
