I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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