So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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