you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
