peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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