I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Are we still banned from the library?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
