her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
