i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
