he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Be still, my beating vagina.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
