Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
