I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
