I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Be still, my beating vagina.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
