My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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