Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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