i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There r osticjed everywhere
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
