If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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