I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
being pregnant is like rehab
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
