I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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