ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
