I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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