I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
