here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
