Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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