Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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