Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
