remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
