she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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