Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
