i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Randomize
