I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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