Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
