Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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