he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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